Here at KaliHawkeyeGirl Headquarters (KHG HQ for short) we believe that what people do in THEIR bedroom is THEIR business, thank you very much. That being said, we are always a bit er, surprised when others, ok men, who we don't know from Adam want to ask us in graphic detail if we would like to partake in rather interesting activities. We are also quite surprised the pride the male species takes in their, how shall I be delicate here? Let us use the word "unit".
So we all know that KHG has joined an Internet dating service and is doing quite well. There is an actual guy KHG likes, but we will get to him later. First, dear readers, you have got to hear this one.
So on this site, you can message one another, kind of like email, or IM. Well, I was just blowin' up on this MOFO. Seriously. And trust me, I was completely stunned by it. I then get this message from "MisssionValleyGuy". You use a pseudonym on the site. In the interest of not being raped, murdered and my body mutilated, and then dumped out in the back country, I will not be sharing my pseudonym with you all. Sorry. Ok. Back to MissionValleyGuy. Seems nice-he messaged me. We joke around that all the stores that I spend way too much money in are in Mission Valley. And then, comes THE EMAIL. Oh yeah, you know, the one that slyly insinuates some fucked up thing he's into in the bedroom. So here it is, as best as I can re-create it:
MissionValleyGuy: So, if we were in a committed, loving, healthy relationship, how open minded would you be?
(Uh, what the fuck?)-that's me thinking, btw.
Me- If you are asking about how open I am sexually, just be blunt, ok?
(Oh, and he was. Trust me.)
MissionValleyGuy: Well, again, if we were in a committed, loving, healthy relationship, would you be interested in having a 3-way with another man? You should also know that I'm bi-curious (as in he would want to have sex with our imaginary 3-way partner. Imaginary you say? FUCK YES. At least in my lifetime).
So I wake up to this email from him the other morning. Now I am no prude, trust me. It takes quite a bit to shock me, and this did. I mean really. Yeah dude. I'm going to want some guy I love have sex with another MAN??? Holy Mother of God in Heaven who IS THIS FREAK? So I took a deep breath and wrote the following back-
Me: Absolutely, positively NO. I am sure that on this site, there is a woman that would be interested. She is not, however, ME. In the interest of full disclosure, you should know I will now be blocking you from my account.
Then, of course, I had to call my mother. (KHG is a bit addicted to her mother. Let's think of her as sitting on the KHG HQ Board of Directors). She laughed so hard she had to put the phone down. And yes, I might of had a good laugh, too.
Now let us turn to the male obsession with their units. Oh hell, it's called a penis, and that is what we'll be calling it. Penises just aren't attractive. I'm sorry. They have their uses, but modeling careers they ain't getting. So last Spring, KHG (sorry about writing in the third person, but it's my blog so there) signed up for her very first Internet dating site. Things were going ok. I was talking, as in I was dumb enough off the bat to give this guy my cell number. One night, around 930PM, the little "ding" sound that I was getting an incoming text went off. I checked to see who it was. What was it you ask dear readers? Why it was a picture of an erect penis, and he even got his balls in the shot for me, too. At that point, I didn't know what to do. Send him back a picture of my genitals? I mean really people. So I texted him back to lose my number and NEVER text me again. He responded immediately with a sheepish "Ok".
So, I had to tell my mother about this. Only she was in the car with another member of KHG HQ Board of Directors, my father. Now, I should stop at this point and say that my family has a rather sick sense of humor so don't be too shocked that I told my parents, ok? My mom takes my call on her cell and puts it on speaker phone. I explain what happened. As first, my dad couldn't understand what I was saying. So I not only had to use the word "penis" with my father once, but twice. My mother laughed hysterically, and once my dad finally caught on to what it was that happened, he laughed even harder. He told me I should take a picture of my, er, unit and text it back! I politely said NO. So you can imagine after this incident that KHG has a bit of an aversion to Internet dating.
Then, Thursday, December 20th, 2012 happened. I met him. Why who is him KHG? Ah. He is going to have to be the subject of my next post, but I will give you a description of him, and he's going to need a nickname, too. My pugilist (that means boxer-no, not the dog, an actual boxer-those men who beat the hell out of each other and people call it a sport). The Boxer is almost 47, from Italy (oh sweet Jesus that accent! He also speaks Spanish and French, too. KHG speaks Spanish, so we sometimes speak it to one another). The Boxer is 5'11", gray, thinning hair (ok, a smallish bald spot) barrel chested, with some nice legs. He is not pretty whatsoever. I don't want to date Brad Pitt, thank you very much. His eyes are a green with a little brown, so I guess they are hazel. He has this great nose, which he refers to as his "Roman Nose". Yes, it's big but not awful. I told you, he looks like a boxer. Well, a boxer crossed with a street thug. And KHG has got it bad.
Next time on KHG, we will discuss the first date between KHG and The Boxer.
So for now dear readers, always be good, but never THAT good...
-KHG
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